We heard the explosion before we could see it. The rocket-propelled missile hit the hangar, reducing three stories of metal to ash and smoke. Our unit nearby was now in response-mode. We moved out to the edges of our compound, surveying the surrounding desert through our rifle scopes. We had no idea if a bigger attack was coming, or if it was an attack at all. Only later did we learn that fifteen insurgents in disguises–using NATO troop uniforms they found in the dumpsters off base–made it onto the Bastion-Leatherneck Compound with a truckload of weapons. Using rocket-propelled grenade (RPG) launchers, they killed two US Marines and destroyed an entire squadron of AV-8 Harrier planes (Aikins, 3 Sept 2013). The breach hit us hard, both literally and figuratively. This was the worst loss of US airpower in a single incident since the Vietnam War, and a stark reminder that our military base, no matter how formidable, was still in the middle of a war-torn nation.
This attack shook me from the inside out. I already felt isolated and disconnected from the Marines in my own unit; and now, I felt a deep sense of disconnection from the people who lived in the surrounding villages. War taught me that everyone could be the enemy; that I should trust no one. This thought, and the sense of living in constant fear of “others,” led me to question the very nature of life itself, and the existence of a Creator. If Something Greater did exist, how could this Being allow their creations to treat each other this way? Was this in the pattern, or a “glitch” in the programming?
From my youngest years, my personal mission was always to “create positive social change in the world.” But if our societies were committing such atrocities toward one another, I wondered how any positive social change might make a difference. More importantly, I thought, what does “positive” social change look like to me and to others? The hurt in my heart and a deep sense of distrust led me on a journey to first heal my own sense of disconnection and trauma after experiences like this one. I began my healing exploration with methylenedioxymethamphetamine, also called MDMA, now known to be one of the leading healing substances for those who struggle with post-traumatic syndrome disorder (Mitchell, 2021). During those journeys, I felt my heart open like it used to when I was a young girl on our Georgia blueberry farm. I felt no shame in expressing my deepest emotions, in offering sincere love to anyone and everyone, and even in sharing my most guarded secrets. Not long after, I had the chance to explore the inner workings of myself and the world through lysergic acid (also called LSD). In these experiences, I once again was back to my young self, feeling the interconnectedness of all life and my innate connection to our Earth. I watched as the trees “breathed” around me and my friends became my most trusted confidants for anything I wished to share. I felt the safety of intimate, loving connection in all things, inspiring me to release trauma stored in my body that had long been blocking my full abilities.
Within the first two years of exploration with these substances, I was offered the opportunity to sit in a ceremony with 5-MeO-DMT (or O-methyl-bufotenin), known to indigenous communities as “bufo,” (Carpenter, 10 Dec 2021). It was in this journey that I dove into a purely mystical space, feeling quickly torn away from my physical body and experiencing some time “floating” in space; formless, bodiless and not knowing if I would make it back to my human self. This mystical “near death experience” turned much of the sense of connection I built up through LSD and MDMA back into a vast disillusionment. For many months, I considered the world humans have built, our seeming unconcern for the life around us and the disharmonization of the planet. It was this moment of leaving my body that profoundly impacted my process of “awakening” to feel the damage we are causing to our overall system of life on Earth. This became the primary motivating factor in my shift toward a more purpose-driven, balanced lifestyle.
Following my ceremony with 5-MeO-DMT, I doubled down on my mission to create positive social change in the world. I then sat in ceremony with psilocybin mushrooms and later with ayahuasca. Both of these plants allowed me to remember my deep sense of connection to Earth, to all living Beings in the Universe and to my personal power, encouraging me to create change in my own life and others’. My sense of powerlessness and distrust–built by the hierarchical and patriarchal system of the military and solidified by the trauma of war–slowly disintegrated at the deepest levels of my spirit and physical body. The fear I felt from childhood memories of growing up in a sometimes emotionally explosive and unstable household became a source of compassion, rather than a deep wound to keep me hidden. I learned that the less I “hid” from myself and others, the more goodness I felt in my life; the more abundantly love could flow to me and from me. Slowly but surely, these explorations of non-ordinary states of consciousness through entheogens re-instilled a sense of personal power within myself, encouraging me to connect intimately with my internal and external environments.
After this period of self-exploration, I was called into what some might name as “service.” Community members began to approach me to hold ceremonies with plant medicine for their healing and growth, leading me toward a life as a facilitator of psilocybin ceremonies for the past three years. Were it not for my journeys with various types of entheogens, I may never have connected with this work and begun to create a new level of “positive social change” within my community.
Comments